I do not
How Nepalese girls are breaking free from child marriage
“People ask me why I am different – I tell them this is who I am.”
- KAVITA
Away from the hustle and bustle of the city, high up above the clouds in the forested hills of Nepal, sits a small rural village.
For generations the community here have kept their ancestral tradition of livestock and agricultural farming alive – raising goats and buffaloes and growing corn and rice in the surrounding fields. Unfortunately another generations-old tradition that continues here, and country-wide, is child marriage.
In Nepal it is illegal for anyone to marry until they are 20 years old – and yet more than a third of girls are married before they turn 18. So why would so many families like the ones in this village break the law and arrange child marriages for their daughters?
With girls financially supported by their in-laws and husbands once they marry, many parents see it as one of few ways to relieve poverty. Plus, breaking with tradition can be seen as far worse than breaking the law, because people are often bound by social norms that don’t value girls as highly as boys, and limit them to being wives and mothers rather than getting an education and building their own future.
But an increasing number of Nepalese girls are starting to speak up for their rights and propose an alternative tradition where they get to choose what they do with their lives. And that includes a young woman called Kavita*.
KAVITA'S STORY
"I used to feel angry at myself for being born as a girl."
In a village and family where most girls her age have been married since they were 13 or 14, 22-year-old Kavita stands out for all the right reasons, because when she received a marriage proposal whilst still a child, she said "No".
A natural comedian, Kavita loves to make her friends, family and neighbours laugh but when it comes to education and the rights of herself and other girls, she couldn’t be more serious.
Growing up Kavita was only too aware of Nepal’s deep-rooted gender inequality as she watched her big sisters forced to marry as children and lose any chance of continuing their education and pursuing their dreams.
“I had seen my sisters’ marriages and all the problems they experienced, so I had the mentality that I wouldn’t marry.”
“My eldest sister wanted to continue her studies after she had her two children, but her in-laws wouldn’t allow her. My brother-in-law didn’t help her either. That really angers me, because if he had supported her, she could have continued her education and been happier in her life. All it takes is one person standing with you.”
“My married sisters have no freedom as they have to look after their in-laws all the time. When I asked them why they do it, they told me that they had no other choice, that this is what you do after marriage. Hearing this made me feel bad and worry about them. It also made me determined not to end up in the same situation.”
When Kavita found herself facing the same future, she decided it was time to break the cycle and tell her father, Rajaram, that she didn’t want to get married. A conversation that she could only consider having because, unlike many of the other girls in the village, her father always encouraged her opinions.
“I felt very uncomfortable when I got the proposal. But I thought I could convince my family members that I didn’t want to marry yet, as I am not afraid to share anything with my father. I tell him whatever is on my mind, and he always tries to listen and understand my point of view.”
Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple as Kavita had hoped because, despite her strong relationship with Rajaram, years of engrained social pressure proved to be stronger:
“He thought about what I said for a while. But both he and my mother tried to force me to get married, because they were worried what the community would think of us if I didn't. They think if a girl reaches a certain age, she needs to get married, so he told me that I had to do it. Also, as all of my elder sisters were already married, if I got married soon, it would be easier for them to plan for my younger sister's marriage next. He also tried to convince me by saying that if I didn’t get married the villagers would give me dirty looks.”
With no clear alternative, or access to information about the negative consequences, Rajaram and his wife felt the wedding must go ahead. And as the marriage seemed to become more inevitable, Kavita’s hopes for her future narrowed. Until her friends and a visit to Janaki Women’s Awareness Society’s Children’s Club reignited her confidence in standing up for her rights:
“I got very nervous and sad. I stopped smiling and talking at school. When my friends asked me what happened, I told them about it. With their advice, I tried to convince my parents again. I also got help from the Children's Club.”
Created to make children aware of their rights and how to act upon them, when Kavita and her friends attended the after-school children's club at the Janaki Women’s Awareness Society they gained the knowledge and confidence they needed to find their voices and start making themselves heard:
“I told my parents that I didn’t care what anyone else thinks or says, as long as they think I am good and let me be, I am happy. I can go to school, hang out with my family and friends.”
She also used her comedic talents as a unique way to help her parents understand:
“I used to joke around and act out little comedies that made them wonder about how someone like me would manage after marriage. I used to tell them, ‘I am here joking and having fun, but who will do all this and make you laugh after I get married?’"
“I made them realise that they would miss me. Sometimes I used to get upset and say that if they were going to marry me off, I wouldn’t talk to them. And eventually they started to realise that I really didn’t want to get married and that if they forced me it would be wrong as it wasn’t an appropriate age.”
Kavita says “it took some time” but finally, thanks to the support of her friends and the Janaki Women’s Awareness Society she helped her parents to see that they needed to turn down the proposal and shun the practice of child marriage:
“It felt so good. All of my efforts in convincing them were successful. I was not going to get married, I could be happy, go to school again and live confidently.”
Her self-confidence meant that when she turned 20 and received a different marriage proposal, she decided to accept it – on her own terms. Something that her father supported.
“You have to think about what is right for you and do that.”
- Kavita
RAJARAM'S STORY
“Kavita was fully matured then she got married, because of that I am happy."
While today he’s pleased she waited till she was ready, at the time of the first proposal Rajaram* pushed for the marriage to happen because in Nepal becoming a wife is still linked to social acceptance and economic protection for women and girls:
“My income is very basic, it comes from furniture making and farming. My daughters got married early in their life as I had to go abroad for 12 years and it was a way to protect them financially and socially – because in our culture if our children make a mistake it will remain with them for their whole life.”
Luckily, since then, Kavita has shown her father another way of thinking and inspired him to find out more:
“Now I understand that the Nepali law says that child marriage is illegal and also potentially harmful to girls.”
For many girls, child marriage can mean unwanted sex or early pregnancy both of which can be distressing, and potentially life-threatening – with complications arising from pregnancy and childbirth among the leading causes globally of death for girls aged 15-19.*
“Now that she is matured, Kavita is physically safe, so I am not worried that she got married. My daughters who got married before this were at risk.”
But Rajaram does still have concerns about whether she will have the freedom to continue with her studies as he knows that the men often still have the power in a marriage:
“I cannot be certain about the future. Once she passes her School Leaving Certificate and if my son-in-law agrees that she can continue her studies then we can help her make a plan. If her marks are good then maybe she could become a nurse.”
This is something that worries Kavita too.
*Citation: WHO, 2016, Global health estimates 2015: deaths by cause, age, sex, by country and by region, 2000–2015, Geneva: WHO.
“Marriage at a young age kills your dreams.”
- KAVITA
Looking to the Future
"Have courage in what you can do."
As well as waiting to see how she does in her final exams, Kavita is also waiting to see what her husband thinks about her continuing to study so that she can go into nursing.
“I had a lot of hopes. I always wanted to be a staff nurse. But now we'll have to see what happens after the results.”
“If you continue your education, it can be useful anytime. Wherever you go, you will feel better and comfortable. But when you stop it, you have nothing to do except stay at home to do the chores. So, it's better to continue studying for as long as possible.”
With her self-confidence and belief in creating her own future, it seems likely that Kavita will find a way to pursue her dream of becoming a nurse. But whatever happens, she is determined that her younger sister will have the chance to choose:
“I want to inspire my sister to study and do something for herself before getting married. You might think that you will do this or that after marriage, but your plans are very unlikely to be successful. You might realise later that it was because you got married as a child, but there is no use in regretting then. So, you need to keep everything in mind before making a decision. If she understands this little thing, her life will be better. If she studies for some time and takes steps to convince her family not to make her get married before the right age, it will have a huge impact for her.”
While she may not have her dream job just yet, today Kavita is pleased with how far things have come in just a short time:
“I feel proud. Because now the law doesn’t allow child marriage. If there can be so much change between my sister's time and mine, I hope there will be even better changes in her time.”
And she wants her story to empower other girls by showing them that marriage is their choice, and theirs alone:
“Have courage in what you can do. Figure that out yourself and only then listen to others. When I was younger and my family wanted to force me to get married, if I had agreed or just kept quiet, I would have gotten married immediately. But I had the courage in myself to say no. I was confident, there are a lot of girls much younger than me who are trapped like this, but I wasn’t like that. My friends ask me how I am like this, and I tell them it's because of the confidence I have in myself."
“You have to depend on yourself. Everybody has a brain, but you should be able to figure out the right thing. Take suggestions from everyone but be able to decide what is right and what is wrong. Never lose hope.”
“I want to tell all the girls like me that you have to be the strength for yourself.”
- Kavita
In the time it has taken to read this article 137 girls under the age of 18 have been married.
And unless every community, in every village and city across Nepal has access to the knowledge and support offered by organisations like Janaki Women’s Awareness Society, girls will continue to be at risk of child marriage.
Let’s make sure that more girls like Kavita feel empowered to say “I do not” to child marriage.
Founded in 1993 by a group of women social workers, Janaki Women Awareness Society, is a non-profit social organisation working on women's and children's issues. It works to raise the standard of living and to empower marginalised communities, women, dalits, youth, janjatis, people with disabilities, and disaster stricken and conflict affected people of Nepal.
Find out more about Girls Not Brides member Janaki Women Awareness Society and how you can support their work.
Every year, 12 million girls marry before the age of 18. Child marriage happens across countries, cultures and regions.
Girls Not Brides is a global partnership is made up of over 1,500 organisations like Janaki Women Awareness Society who are working to end child marriage and support girls to reach their full potential.
Find out more about Girls Not Brides.
*This story was told to Girls Not Brides in 2019
Photography: Girls Not Brides / Thom Pierce
Words: Girls Not Brides
As a digital long form this piece was produced for Girls Not Brides by Fat Rat Films in 2022 with creative direction and production by Jodie Taylor, writing by Lucy Henshaw and art direction by Mònica Molins Duran.
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